My Third Trimester

I am now into week 35 of my pregnancy and I realised the other day that I hadn’t posted an update for almost 10 weeks… I couldn’t believe how fast that time had gone and also that I am almost at the very end of this pregnancy. A lot has happened in the third trimester… from decorating our nursery, our angel babies 1st birthday, my baby shower and also the general aches and pains that the third trimester brings, so I wanted to update you all.

How I have been feeling:

So its safe to say this trimester has been a crazy rollercoaster of emotions for me, once I got over the 26 week mark (where we had a previous still born) I felt like everything was going really well and I felt so well in myself compared to my previous pregnancy – I felt like this pregnancy was going as planned and the worrying from earlier on in the pregnancy had started to settle. Then as we got closer to our angel babies first birthday I was feeling very emotional, guilty and sad that I was having another baby and didn’t want Sebastian to think we had forgotten him… On his birthday it was actually the memorial service for all of the Angel Babies at the church where he was cremated so this made it especially sad for us and seeing a church full of parents (literally hundreds) who had also lost their babies really hit me hard and I know my pregnancy hormones wouldn’t have helped but it was a really hard week that week. The following week after Sebastian birthday was my baby shower… so I felt like I had to quickly snap into a different mind frame to be happy and positive and excited about this new baby… but every since Sebastians birthday I have just been filled with doubt that something is still going to happen to this baby again. Luckily the fact that I get to go to St Mary’s Rainbow Clinic every 2 weeks for a scan has helped me to be assured that this baby is doing really well and is now a whopping 6lbs already, but still I have so many concerns and worries going through my head every day.

I am also struggling with severe SPD which is agony on my pubic bone… so walking and climbing stairs is now very painful for me (I think it is so bad because I have been scared to exercise during this pregnancy, as last time I was still very active).. so I am literally counting down the days until baby arrives now so that I can start to feel a bit more normal again… I have also been blessed with major water retention haha! So my face, hands, legs and feet now feel double the size (the joys that pregnancy brings!) I think I feel more down about all of these things is because I still have doubt in my mind that something is going to wrong in this pregnancy… People keep saying to me it will all be worth it in the end (I won’t believe them until baby is actually here in my arms).

Now for something a little more positive..

Birth Plan:

I have been advised by my consultant at St Mary’s that I should have a c section – This is because Sebastian had a very bad brain haemorrhage whilst inside of me, I have since been tested for everything and nothing has come back but there is still a slight chance that it could happen again… So to avoid babies head having any unnecessary pressure they have said that a C section will be the best option. At first I was a little worried about this but all I want is for this baby to get here as safely as possible and also I have already gone through natural labour with Sebastian so I won’t feel like I’m missing out or upset that I haven’t been able to experience natural labour…This time its all about this baby!

Nursery:

Our Nursery is pretty much complete now apart from a few finishing touch.. we have gone for a really neutral design with hints of blue… All the walls are grey and then our furniture is white with lots of cosy blankets and furry rugs. Then we have pale blue photo frames, details and teddies in there to make it more personal. We almost have everything ready now and I have washed all of babies clothes and they are all hung up to dry so that I can get the hospital bag ready so that I feel prepared just incase we need to go in a little earlier than expected.

Baby Shower:

I had the most beautiful baby shower at Piccolino in Alderley Edge and I invited everyone I wanted to see before baby came. It was so nice to have everyone there because I have felt like I have been hibernating a little bit during this pregnancy and then I know I’ve seen everyone now and can plan lots of lovely things for when baby is here and I am able to get out and about again after my c sections (because you can’t drive for 6 weeks after) so I’m looking forward to seeing friends after Christmas.

Postnatal Exercise:

Im soooo looking forward to exercising again post pregnancy… I can’t wait to get out walking with the pram and I also have a baby carrier so that I can get out and be hands-free. I think for the first 6 weeks I will be trying to do as much walking as possible and then after the 6 weeks I will be getting my boyfriend to put together a training programme for me to help me regain my core and get stronger again… before finally going out running (which I can’t wait to do) once I am fully recovered… Because I need to loose a lot of weight!!!

We are also planning on doing some outdoor fitness classes for mum and babies as I know a lot of you are around the similar stage of pregnancy as me so it would be great to meet lots of you and get rid of our baby weight together!

I hope you’ve enjoyed my update and if any of you have any advice you would like to give or any baby essentials you couldn’t live without then I would love to know… Also if you want to ask me any questions, ask away!!!

 

 

Still Birth Awareness – The Perfect Pregnancies on Social Media.

Soooooo my point of this blog post is to let everybody know that its okay to not feel like all of the celebrities and influences that you see on social media whilst pregnant. They all seem to have the perfect pregnancies and I’m sure you all envy them like myself and hope that your pregnancy will be just as straight forward BUT…. I just feel like there is nothing out there telling first time mums that things don’t always go as planned and these women on social media have probably spent a long time getting ready for that one photo and if you saw them an hour later in their pyjamas lounging on the sofa.. you wouldn’t think it was the same person.

So yes my point of this blog post is to raise awareness to the fact that things can go wrong during pregnancy.. whether you take years to get pregnant, its an early miscarriage or even having to experience a still birth or even finding out that once your baby is born that its disabled or has a terminal illness. Even if you are the healthiest of couples like myself an Ainslee.. he is an Ironman and eats really healthily and never drinks and pre pregnancy I went to the gym 5-6 days a week and never drank. So when we had all the tests at the hospital we were pretty confident that nothing could go wrong with our pregnancy, especially as I got pregnant so quickly.

I wish someone had told me to listen to my body more and also give me more knowledge on the things to look out for if your pregnancy is in danger. I want to let women know that they are not alone if they are struggling to get pregnant, I want women to not beat themselves up if you have struggled with a number of miscarriages and if you have had a still birth I want you to know that you are not alone in your next pregnancy and that there are women out their who are going through it too that you can talk to or professionals you can seek advice from. I want women to talk about their problems rather than keep them locked up inside. I have found that talking about my experience has helped me so much. I can openly talk about our baby Sebastian and how its not just me and Ainslee… we are a family of 3 and if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have achieved so much in the past 5 months and also me and Ainslee wouldn’t be as close as we are now (when we thought we couldn’t get any closer) and have all the amazing things we have in our life. I truly believe that he has made so many things happen recently.

After my friends knowing all about my ‘still birth blog’ so many of them have come to me and said that they have had problems with fertility and miscarriages etc and I don’t think they would have told me if it wasn’t for me being open about my experience. I just want women to talk about it and not feel embarrassed.

I hope I have helped you in some way so far… even if its just to give you the confidence to know that you’re not alone. I can’t wait to share with you all my story when we do get pregnant and i Hope you share with you as much knowledge as possible and also let you know what is involved if you have a ‘high risk’ pregnancy (as this will be me next time).

Lots of love

Maria xx

Depression

Ok, so.. after Sebastian was born, we were allowed to spend the day with him… baring in mind I was so drugged up and I had to be taken into theatre to have an epidural to get the placenta out. Once I got back from theatre at 7pm that evening Sebastian was taken away.. It still hadn’t hit me what had actually happened over the past 24 hours. For Ainslee he had to watch it all and probably absorbed what was going on a little better than me. After another night in the hospital we were able to go home… I was still feeling a little dizzy and light headed from the painkillers and Ainslee had to shower and dress me that morning because my legs still felt a bit numb from the epidural.

So we went home and as I opened the door my mum gave me a parcel… It was all of the paper work to finalise our mortgage and confirmation that we were about to exchange contracts for our new house. We had been so stressed about all of this throughout my pregnancy that we felt like our little angel had somehow done something to let us finally have the house of our dreams and be together.

With this in mind I wanted to go furniture shopping…. so Ainslee took me and we bought so much stuff and ordered our sofa, bed, tables, chairs… candles.. you name it we had ordered it all. Everything was ready to arrive on our moving in date, which had been confirmed.

I was focusing all my attention on our new house and making sure it was perfect because I wasn’t having anyone ruin this for us. Once we moved in it felt like our little safe heaven because our house is in the country side away from everyone, we were so happy that we could eventually be together and not really have to make much effort with anyone else. It’s safe to say looking back now that this was when the depression started to kick in.

We had Sebastians funeral coming up and I wanted to see him one last time because I felt like whilst I was drugged up in hospital I didn’t really get to give him a final cuddle. So we went along to the mortuary and we went in a room to see him. He looked nothing like what I remembered… He looked like all of the goodness I gave him had gone and it was heart breaking. I felt like he wasn’t been looked after… it was devastating. It soon came round to the funeral and we decided me and Ainslee would just be attending. We wanted it to just be us so that we could cry and so that we could have it as low key as possible.

After the funeral weeks went by where I would be working all day and late into the night.. I was putting every little bit of my energy and thoughts into work. It wasn’t until Christmas and probably the whole of January were I was a complete mess. Why were people saying Happy Christmas to me? Why should I be celebrating? OUR BABY HAS JUST DIED!! It was so frustrating and I just wanted it to be January so badly so that we could start a fresh New Year. Obviously this is much easier said than done.. MY DUE DATE was the 24th January and all of the girls that I was pregnant with now had there babies….. It was hard and we were having to go for tests at the hospital because Sebastian had a brain haemorrhage whilst inside of me and they were trying to find out why, these tests seemed to take forever which really made everything drag out a lot more than I felt it should.

All of our tests came back negative and we still don’t know to this day why it happened. This whole time I haven’t had any calls from the doctors or the hospital checking up on me to see how my mental state is. I would like to think I am quite a positive person and even for me I have had some pretty dark times. So I don’t know how other people get on (say if they have previously been diagnosed with depression etc)

If I had given birth to a heathy baby I would of been checked for postnatal depression, which they take really seriously… so why not check up on someone who will 100% have post natal depression after having a still born. It shocks me…. even to the point of going to the dentist… When you’re pregnant you get 9 months free dental care whilst pregnant and 6 months free after your pregnancy. So when I went to the dentist last week the receptionist says after my 5 minute check up… “That’ll be £40 please” So I say “Im exempt from paying because I was pregnant” So she asks me if I’m currently pregnant or have a baby… So I say “I had a still birth” this obviously makes me cry… so Im stood crying in the middle of a waiting room.. and she says “Sorry the NHS don’t give exemption if your pregnant was terminated, don’t worry you’ll start to feel better soon. £40 please.” I was absolutely shocked by her response and if I was in my normal state I wouldn’t of payed and kicked up a BIG fuss… but because I was so shocked by her reaction I just payed and got out of there as quickly as possible.

Baring in mind I had been going to that dentist since I was 2 years old.. and it being a private clinic where I know they could of had a little sympathy and understanding… but no!!! Its like people just don’t understand it as being so horrific and life destroying. It is by far in my experience the worst thing to happen to a couple.

So looking on to the future I don’t think I will seriously feel happy in myself until I get pregnant again… I think when you loose a baby, whether that baby was planned or not. You prepare yourself for that little person to come into your life… so when that doesn’t happen you feel empty and like there is a little hole in your life that you need filling. Hopefully it won’t be too long until we get that hole filled…