Life as a new Mum with my Rainbow baby.

 

I feel like I should have posted this a while ago now… but I guess motherhood has just taken over and I’ve just been enjoyed every moment with Gabriel… so here goes..

Well it feels like it took a lifetime to finally hold my baby is my arms and take him home.. but I feel like this was my journey and without this journey we would have never got this beautiful gift.. my baby Gabriel.

From going through the worst thing I have ever gone through and having the worst year of my life (after baby Sebastian being stillborn)… being so down and probably depressed (even though I try not to use that word) to 3 months later finding out I was pregnant again, being filled with worry and not being able to relax until this new baby had arrived.

Gabriel came 4 weeks early and I’m sure it was because our little angel Sebastian didn’t want me to worry any more so he gave him to us as soon as he was fully developed and ready for the big wide world at 36 weeks.

I can’t even begin to explain what it is like having a baby after a stillbirth… but all I can say is it is WONDERFUL! I know for sure this little baby is going to be so so spoilt by everyone around us… especially me and Ainslee, we already fuss over him so so much – Way more than we should and I think we appreciate him that little bit more than families who don’t have any complications. I guess it’s just the way the world goes round but we are so thankful to finally have him here.

I feel like motherhood has come really naturally to me and I am enjoying each and every moment, every milestone that he makes I also get a bit sad because he may have outgrown his tiny coat or he is going up to that next toy and no longer is he wanting to be clung to me 24/7 but each milestone amazes me but I just wish time would slow down. Its safe to say I have a super clingy baby, and I think if it was anyone else they would be wishing he wouldn’t be so clingy, or would settle on their own by now… but I think because we went through what we went through I love that he needs me for absolutely everything and I’m so lucky that I can spend all of my time with him ❤

We are currently breastfeeding and I am planning on doing this for as long as possible as I truly believe it is the best thing for my baby… I was a little shocked if I’m honest at how few people I have met that actually breastfeed… and I don’t mean if they have given breastfeeding a try and it hasn’t worked for them, I mean the people who choose from day 1 to formula feed. Is it because they’re embarrassed to feed in public or because they want to be able to share the feeding experience with friends and family? I want to also create some kind of awareness to how its okay to feed in public and not to be embarrassed because it is the most natural thing for you and your baby and also the best thing.

The classes we have tried so far are baby sensory and baby massage, we also love to get outdoors everyday and try as many new experiences as possible.. whether that be listening to music at home, having bath times together or trying a new class, I want Gabriel to try as many things as possible. We have him signed up for Rhythm Time to start at the end of February and we’ve been invited to try Tumble Tots once he’s 6 months old.

In terms of my weight loss postpartum I have lost almost 3 stone now since giving birth as I had put on a total of 5 stone through my 2 pregnancies… Walking every day, doing my core exercises each evening when Ainslee can hold him and eating a healthy balanced diet has worked really well for me so far… I have only recently started to up my exercise and go for a few runs each week so I’m hoping that by Summer time I will be back to my pre pregnancy weight… fingers crossed, from being super fit pre pregnancy to how I am has taken a lot of getting used to and I would really like to be much fitter as I want Gabriel to have someone to look up to and when he’s bigger we’ll be able to do lots of fitness type things as a family… so my goal this year is to try and make as much time for my fitness as possible and make it the next priority after Gabriel of course.

I hope this has given you an insight into how motherhood is going for me so far… Id love to hear your experiences or if anyone has any advice or just needs a fellow mum to chat to! I’ll be writing blog post each week from now and hope you enjoy following my journey!

 

 

Lots of love

 

Maria and Gabriel x

Gender Reveal

I want to share with you all as much of my pregnancy as possible.. so basically we have been dying to find out if we are having a boy or a girl for such a long time. In my previous pregnancy I had a stillbirth and we lost our baby Sebastian so for me finding out in this pregnancy was so important because I felt that if I was going to be having a girl this time I would really have to get my head around it, whereas if we were going to have a boy I felt that it would help my grieving process slightly and we have everything in our house for a baby boy already… Not that we would ever prefer one instead of the other as all I want is a healthy baby after what happened to Sebastian. But basically we are over the moon that we have finally found out the sex and that our rainbow baby is a little boy!! ❤

We have had so many scans so far and the midwives at the hospital scanning me haven’t wanted to tell me the gender as they said most mums have to wait until 20 weeks, which is fair enough but yesterday we had our scan with Fetal Medicine (FMU) at St Mary’s in Manchester (where they do a really detailed scan of the brain, heart, limbs, fluid and placenta) and they gave us a 45 minute scan and I have to say I officially fell in love with our baby at this scan. We got to watch him on the screen for all that time, we got to see his face, lips, nose and eyes really close up and we got to see his hands and little feet. It was absolutely magical, watching him snuggle his face into my placenta, already trying to cuddle me was the best thing in the world. It’s safe to say we both got a little teary and had beaming smiles all day after the scan!

So I am now 21 weeks and definitely think that finding out the gender really makes the pregnancy feel real and like there is a real life little person growing inside of you. I just can’t wait to meet him now and hope everything goes smoothly ❤

Depression

Ok, so.. after Sebastian was born, we were allowed to spend the day with him… baring in mind I was so drugged up and I had to be taken into theatre to have an epidural to get the placenta out. Once I got back from theatre at 7pm that evening Sebastian was taken away.. It still hadn’t hit me what had actually happened over the past 24 hours. For Ainslee he had to watch it all and probably absorbed what was going on a little better than me. After another night in the hospital we were able to go home… I was still feeling a little dizzy and light headed from the painkillers and Ainslee had to shower and dress me that morning because my legs still felt a bit numb from the epidural.

So we went home and as I opened the door my mum gave me a parcel… It was all of the paper work to finalise our mortgage and confirmation that we were about to exchange contracts for our new house. We had been so stressed about all of this throughout my pregnancy that we felt like our little angel had somehow done something to let us finally have the house of our dreams and be together.

With this in mind I wanted to go furniture shopping…. so Ainslee took me and we bought so much stuff and ordered our sofa, bed, tables, chairs… candles.. you name it we had ordered it all. Everything was ready to arrive on our moving in date, which had been confirmed.

I was focusing all my attention on our new house and making sure it was perfect because I wasn’t having anyone ruin this for us. Once we moved in it felt like our little safe heaven because our house is in the country side away from everyone, we were so happy that we could eventually be together and not really have to make much effort with anyone else. It’s safe to say looking back now that this was when the depression started to kick in.

We had Sebastians funeral coming up and I wanted to see him one last time because I felt like whilst I was drugged up in hospital I didn’t really get to give him a final cuddle. So we went along to the mortuary and we went in a room to see him. He looked nothing like what I remembered… He looked like all of the goodness I gave him had gone and it was heart breaking. I felt like he wasn’t been looked after… it was devastating. It soon came round to the funeral and we decided me and Ainslee would just be attending. We wanted it to just be us so that we could cry and so that we could have it as low key as possible.

After the funeral weeks went by where I would be working all day and late into the night.. I was putting every little bit of my energy and thoughts into work. It wasn’t until Christmas and probably the whole of January were I was a complete mess. Why were people saying Happy Christmas to me? Why should I be celebrating? OUR BABY HAS JUST DIED!! It was so frustrating and I just wanted it to be January so badly so that we could start a fresh New Year. Obviously this is much easier said than done.. MY DUE DATE was the 24th January and all of the girls that I was pregnant with now had there babies….. It was hard and we were having to go for tests at the hospital because Sebastian had a brain haemorrhage whilst inside of me and they were trying to find out why, these tests seemed to take forever which really made everything drag out a lot more than I felt it should.

All of our tests came back negative and we still don’t know to this day why it happened. This whole time I haven’t had any calls from the doctors or the hospital checking up on me to see how my mental state is. I would like to think I am quite a positive person and even for me I have had some pretty dark times. So I don’t know how other people get on (say if they have previously been diagnosed with depression etc)

If I had given birth to a heathy baby I would of been checked for postnatal depression, which they take really seriously… so why not check up on someone who will 100% have post natal depression after having a still born. It shocks me…. even to the point of going to the dentist… When you’re pregnant you get 9 months free dental care whilst pregnant and 6 months free after your pregnancy. So when I went to the dentist last week the receptionist says after my 5 minute check up… “That’ll be £40 please” So I say “Im exempt from paying because I was pregnant” So she asks me if I’m currently pregnant or have a baby… So I say “I had a still birth” this obviously makes me cry… so Im stood crying in the middle of a waiting room.. and she says “Sorry the NHS don’t give exemption if your pregnant was terminated, don’t worry you’ll start to feel better soon. £40 please.” I was absolutely shocked by her response and if I was in my normal state I wouldn’t of payed and kicked up a BIG fuss… but because I was so shocked by her reaction I just payed and got out of there as quickly as possible.

Baring in mind I had been going to that dentist since I was 2 years old.. and it being a private clinic where I know they could of had a little sympathy and understanding… but no!!! Its like people just don’t understand it as being so horrific and life destroying. It is by far in my experience the worst thing to happen to a couple.

So looking on to the future I don’t think I will seriously feel happy in myself until I get pregnant again… I think when you loose a baby, whether that baby was planned or not. You prepare yourself for that little person to come into your life… so when that doesn’t happen you feel empty and like there is a little hole in your life that you need filling. Hopefully it won’t be too long until we get that hole filled…