Still Birth Awareness – The Perfect Pregnancies on Social Media.

Soooooo my point of this blog post is to let everybody know that its okay to not feel like all of the celebrities and influences that you see on social media whilst pregnant. They all seem to have the perfect pregnancies and I’m sure you all envy them like myself and hope that your pregnancy will be just as straight forward BUT…. I just feel like there is nothing out there telling first time mums that things don’t always go as planned and these women on social media have probably spent a long time getting ready for that one photo and if you saw them an hour later in their pyjamas lounging on the sofa.. you wouldn’t think it was the same person.

So yes my point of this blog post is to raise awareness to the fact that things can go wrong during pregnancy.. whether you take years to get pregnant, its an early miscarriage or even having to experience a still birth or even finding out that once your baby is born that its disabled or has a terminal illness. Even if you are the healthiest of couples like myself an Ainslee.. he is an Ironman and eats really healthily and never drinks and pre pregnancy I went to the gym 5-6 days a week and never drank. So when we had all the tests at the hospital we were pretty confident that nothing could go wrong with our pregnancy, especially as I got pregnant so quickly.

I wish someone had told me to listen to my body more and also give me more knowledge on the things to look out for if your pregnancy is in danger. I want to let women know that they are not alone if they are struggling to get pregnant, I want women to not beat themselves up if you have struggled with a number of miscarriages and if you have had a still birth I want you to know that you are not alone in your next pregnancy and that there are women out their who are going through it too that you can talk to or professionals you can seek advice from. I want women to talk about their problems rather than keep them locked up inside. I have found that talking about my experience has helped me so much. I can openly talk about our baby Sebastian and how its not just me and Ainslee… we are a family of 3 and if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have achieved so much in the past 5 months and also me and Ainslee wouldn’t be as close as we are now (when we thought we couldn’t get any closer) and have all the amazing things we have in our life. I truly believe that he has made so many things happen recently.

After my friends knowing all about my ‘still birth blog’ so many of them have come to me and said that they have had problems with fertility and miscarriages etc and I don’t think they would have told me if it wasn’t for me being open about my experience. I just want women to talk about it and not feel embarrassed.

I hope I have helped you in some way so far… even if its just to give you the confidence to know that you’re not alone. I can’t wait to share with you all my story when we do get pregnant and i Hope you share with you as much knowledge as possible and also let you know what is involved if you have a ‘high risk’ pregnancy (as this will be me next time).

Lots of love

Maria xx

Depression

Ok, so.. after Sebastian was born, we were allowed to spend the day with him… baring in mind I was so drugged up and I had to be taken into theatre to have an epidural to get the placenta out. Once I got back from theatre at 7pm that evening Sebastian was taken away.. It still hadn’t hit me what had actually happened over the past 24 hours. For Ainslee he had to watch it all and probably absorbed what was going on a little better than me. After another night in the hospital we were able to go home… I was still feeling a little dizzy and light headed from the painkillers and Ainslee had to shower and dress me that morning because my legs still felt a bit numb from the epidural.

So we went home and as I opened the door my mum gave me a parcel… It was all of the paper work to finalise our mortgage and confirmation that we were about to exchange contracts for our new house. We had been so stressed about all of this throughout my pregnancy that we felt like our little angel had somehow done something to let us finally have the house of our dreams and be together.

With this in mind I wanted to go furniture shopping…. so Ainslee took me and we bought so much stuff and ordered our sofa, bed, tables, chairs… candles.. you name it we had ordered it all. Everything was ready to arrive on our moving in date, which had been confirmed.

I was focusing all my attention on our new house and making sure it was perfect because I wasn’t having anyone ruin this for us. Once we moved in it felt like our little safe heaven because our house is in the country side away from everyone, we were so happy that we could eventually be together and not really have to make much effort with anyone else. It’s safe to say looking back now that this was when the depression started to kick in.

We had Sebastians funeral coming up and I wanted to see him one last time because I felt like whilst I was drugged up in hospital I didn’t really get to give him a final cuddle. So we went along to the mortuary and we went in a room to see him. He looked nothing like what I remembered… He looked like all of the goodness I gave him had gone and it was heart breaking. I felt like he wasn’t been looked after… it was devastating. It soon came round to the funeral and we decided me and Ainslee would just be attending. We wanted it to just be us so that we could cry and so that we could have it as low key as possible.

After the funeral weeks went by where I would be working all day and late into the night.. I was putting every little bit of my energy and thoughts into work. It wasn’t until Christmas and probably the whole of January were I was a complete mess. Why were people saying Happy Christmas to me? Why should I be celebrating? OUR BABY HAS JUST DIED!! It was so frustrating and I just wanted it to be January so badly so that we could start a fresh New Year. Obviously this is much easier said than done.. MY DUE DATE was the 24th January and all of the girls that I was pregnant with now had there babies….. It was hard and we were having to go for tests at the hospital because Sebastian had a brain haemorrhage whilst inside of me and they were trying to find out why, these tests seemed to take forever which really made everything drag out a lot more than I felt it should.

All of our tests came back negative and we still don’t know to this day why it happened. This whole time I haven’t had any calls from the doctors or the hospital checking up on me to see how my mental state is. I would like to think I am quite a positive person and even for me I have had some pretty dark times. So I don’t know how other people get on (say if they have previously been diagnosed with depression etc)

If I had given birth to a heathy baby I would of been checked for postnatal depression, which they take really seriously… so why not check up on someone who will 100% have post natal depression after having a still born. It shocks me…. even to the point of going to the dentist… When you’re pregnant you get 9 months free dental care whilst pregnant and 6 months free after your pregnancy. So when I went to the dentist last week the receptionist says after my 5 minute check up… “That’ll be £40 please” So I say “Im exempt from paying because I was pregnant” So she asks me if I’m currently pregnant or have a baby… So I say “I had a still birth” this obviously makes me cry… so Im stood crying in the middle of a waiting room.. and she says “Sorry the NHS don’t give exemption if your pregnant was terminated, don’t worry you’ll start to feel better soon. £40 please.” I was absolutely shocked by her response and if I was in my normal state I wouldn’t of payed and kicked up a BIG fuss… but because I was so shocked by her reaction I just payed and got out of there as quickly as possible.

Baring in mind I had been going to that dentist since I was 2 years old.. and it being a private clinic where I know they could of had a little sympathy and understanding… but no!!! Its like people just don’t understand it as being so horrific and life destroying. It is by far in my experience the worst thing to happen to a couple.

So looking on to the future I don’t think I will seriously feel happy in myself until I get pregnant again… I think when you loose a baby, whether that baby was planned or not. You prepare yourself for that little person to come into your life… so when that doesn’t happen you feel empty and like there is a little hole in your life that you need filling. Hopefully it won’t be too long until we get that hole filled…

Intro

Okay, so I have wanted to do this blog post for sometime now and haven’t really known what to say…. Some of you may have known that I was recently pregnant and others may not… But yes I had a stillbirth.

A lot of my friends have been telling me to write my experience down on paper.. whether it’s just to help me process things, or to eventually tell my story to you all to raise awareness. So I started writing and ended up writing around 8 A4 pages and thought to myself I can’t put all of this into one post, so I have decided to dedicate part of my blog to ‘Stillbirth Awareness’ and tell you in small blog posts my story and how I am recovering from what I can only explain as the worst experience to happen to a woman and also try and give women advice and to create a community where you don’t need to be afraid to talk about it.

I’m not really very open about my personal life on social media but thought that because this is such a taboo subject and there doesn’t seem to be a lot out there to help people like myself, my aim is to open peoples eyes that this does happen, make people feel okay to talk about it and most of all to help other’s who have gone through the same experience and for women who are going through it… or women who it hasn’t even happened to yet.

Whether it’s yourself, a friend or a family member who has been through the tragedy of a still birth I would love for you to tell them about my new awareness program. Because no one should feel alone about this subject.

If you would like to talk to me personally about this subject please don’t hesitate to email me cheshiregossipgirl@gmail.com

I will be posting weekly posts sharing my story, talking about depression, body changes, trying again and how it’s really important to have family and friends around you.